Why?

Why do I care so much? Why do I leave my heart open for being broken and hurt? I used to be like that in High School and the early years of marriage. Then I started closing my heart. It was easier than going through that pain. For a long time I left my heart closed and distanced myself from people. That really is no way to live. So I opened my heart again. Why? It hurts so much.

But why do I care? Why do I care if people criticize the way I mother, the way I keep house? Well, mostly I don't. It is what it is. I used to care what everyone thought of me. Especially certain people. Like my big brother. What little sister doesn't care what her big brother thinks? But I got over that. I mean, I still appreciate his opinion but it doesn't make or break my world. And the weird thing is, when I stopped caring, he starting having a good opinion of me. I just thought that was kind of weird. Whatever.

But there is one person whose opinion *does* still seem to make or break my world. And, no, it is not hubby's. I know he loves me for who I am and that I do the best I can. No, it is my mother's. Why should I care? She's never been in my position before. She had seven kids but they were all spread out. She never had six under six. She never had 12. She doesn't really know what my life is like. She gets glimpses when she comes to visit, but that's not the same. For one thing, our routine is all messed whenever we have company. This is not how life is day to day.

Why should I care if she compares me to my sister who happens to be a perfect mother, has a perfect house, perfect children. I love my sister very much and I've come to grips with the fact that I am not ever going to be her and cannot physically or mentally live up to her standards. And she doesn't expect me to. But mom seems to.

Why can't I be more like my other sister who has the self-confidence to not give a flying fig newton what people think of her mothering skills. She's happy with who is she is and what she is doing.

Why, why, why? Why do I care? I don't know why but I do. And it hurts. A lot.

Anna

Since this blog is going to mostly be about my family, I thought I should introduce them. So the next few ( ok, 12) blogs will be a brief bio of each of the kids. Then if hubby doesn't mind, I'll do one of him, too.

So my oldest is Anna. She is 15 now. She is intelligent, funny, pretty, and stubborn as all get out! She does ok in school. Nothing really spectacular but she holds her own. She plays basketball and has the potential to be really good. She is in Drama and is very good at that! She loves acting, writing plays and directing her siblings in them. She also plays piano well. She is a huge help at home with all the little ones, chores, and even some cooking. She just finished her freshman year of high school. Wow, what a rush! So many new experiences for her and me. She was on the basketball team, she was in the high school play, she went to prom, she went to Rome. I think maybe that's why her academics weren't so great this year. Hopefully, next year will be better.

She is so good with kids and little kids just flock to her but she insists she doesn't want to get married and have kids. This worries me a little. Does my life seem so horrible to her that she wants anything but that? Do I complain too much? Or is it the natural reaction of the oldest of a large family?

She is growing up so fast! When she was a toddler, she was a handful. Temper tantrums like you wouldn't believe! And so adventuresome. She scaled a 6 foot fence when she was 2yo to chase a cat. I thought she was safe in backyard playing while I was in the house with the 6mo old, making something in the kitchen but when I went to check on her, she was gone! I was also 3 mo pregnant with #3. We had just moved to this house and I didn't know any of the neighbors. What a way to introduce myself! It took us a while to find her and I had just called 911 when one of the neighbor boys shouted that he found her. She was totally unfazed and couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. The little stinker!

I thought then that she couldn't grow up fast enough. But now it seems to have gone by so quickly. Not that I want to go back to those days because they were really hard! It just seems that now she is so much fun to have around, to have good conversations with, it's going by too fast and soon she'll be off to college somewhere. Not that everything is smooth sailing. Having teens is hard too but I think the rewards are better. Not every day is hard but every day there is good conversation and fun times.

One thing I'm really impressed about her is how *not* boy crazy she is. Oh, she has crushes but she doesn't get all silly and stupid about them. In fact, she has much disdain for girls do get silly about boys. I thought that was pretty mature. I was one of the girls she would have been disdainful of, so I am really happy she is not that way. I blush just thinking about how stupidly I acted at her age!

It seems like I could go on forever about Anna. But I won't. I think that gives a pretty good picture of her personality. And I'm sure other things will come out as I continue the story of this crazy but lovable family.

Grandma's funeral

So many thoughts buzzing around in my head and not enough time to write them down. Well, I knew this is how it would be but I'm still a little disappointed. So, I'll just jot things down and maybe flesh it out later.

I lost my grandma in March. On St. Patrick's Day to be exact. She was 91. She lived a really good, long life, so I wasn't really sad at her passing. She earned her rest. And, from the sounds of it, she had a really holy, beautiful death. My parents, my sister Maria and her hubby, David and my brother John were able to be at her side as she passed. Grandma had had a stroke at breakfast time and never regained consciousness. She died in mid afternoon. Those at her side were praying when she died. So, I'm not really sad at her passing but I am sad for those who were close to her and who will miss her so much. Namely, Maria and John. And my mom, of course, but that's a whole different ball of wax. Grandma moved to Illinois with my parents about 3 1/2 years ago and that was the last time I saw her. So, I think since I've been so distant already, it doesn't seem real to me yet. Even though it's been almost a month. But for John and Maria and their families who live in Illinois, it will be hard for a while. They had been able to visit her and get to know her again. Plus, John and Maria were always really close to her. So I grieved for their pain and loss.

So much good came from the trip to Colorado for Grandma's funeral. We were able to reconnect with cousins we hadn't seen in about 20 years. And friends we hadn't seen in about that long. Good friends we grew up with who offered us places to stay and food and comfort. That was amazing. Our good friend Jessica gave up her house for us. She went and stayed with her parents and just let us have her place. She is a wonderful person. Our families were really close when we lived in CO and it's nice to know that that friendship has survived.

One of the best things that happened out there was the fact that the seven of us Wiesner siblings were able to spend the night of the funeral with each other. Just us. Mom and Dad were at another friend's house and we were at Jessica's. We were able to talk without the usual distractions of our normal lives and on an adult level. We laughed, cried, teased, hugged. It was awesome. I love my siblings so much and am so grateful that we have remained close. I thank my parents for that, especially my mom. She always told us that we were going to be siblings forever, so we should learn to be friends, too. Well, it worked.

Now I must sign off. I need to go see what the kidlets were doing while I was stealing these precious few moments. Sigh. Probably making more work for me. Oh, well. Someday I will get my rest just like Grandma.

Our Neighbors

I received a gift today. The gift of friendship and hospitality. Our neighbors across the street, Tom and Bobbi Nordstrom, or Papa Tom and Miss Bobbi as the kids call them, are truly a gift from God. From the moment we moved in they were there for us. They are a wonderful couple filled with God's love. They love our kids as if they were their own grandkids and take care of Matt and me like they do their own kids. It's a perfect set up because our kids don't have grandparents close by and their own grandkids are far away, too. Today Tom, who is a contractor, came over to fix our leaky shower. We wanted to pay him because he has been having a hard time finding work lately but he wouldn't let us. "It's all under the Lord," he said to me. And as he was saying goodbye to the kids (with lots of hugs and God bless you's), he saw a little pink shoe and said it reminded him of one of his poems. He was working on this book of poems when we first moved in and he finally got it published. He asked if we had a copy yet and when we said no, he said whoever had shoes on should go over to his house and get one. Well, I had shoes on for once. I hate wearing shoes but I happened to have them on today. So I went across the street. We went into the house and Tom told me to sit a while. So I sat on the couch and chatted with Bobbi while Tom got the book and signed it. I immediately looked for the pink sandal poem and read it. It was the sweetest poem ever! They told me to sit back and relax. Stay for a while. Would you like something to drink? Tom brought a foot stool and a blanket for me. They tucked me in and told me to stay as long as I wanted. Bobbi moved a stack of stuff from the couch and said if I wanted to, I could lie down and take a nap. Tom left to do some work and Bobbi continued her housework. I sat on the couch and read Tom's poems. I sat there with no one demanding anything from me. My heart felt so full. These wonderful people are a perfect example of the true Christian spirit. They live to serve others because Christ wants them to. Wants us all to. They are not judgemental, they do not complain. They are having a hard time financially right now and might lose their house. But still they give, give, give. God bless you, Tom and Bobbi. And thank you for your example of how to be a Servant for Christ's sake. We love you!!

My first attempt

So I finally did it. I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while now but never got around to it. And I discovered why. It's not because I have 12 kids and don't have much free time, although that did contribute to it. No, it's because I was afraid and full of pride. In two directions. First, what if no one reads it because no one cares enough? Well, I had to come to the realization that I'm not doing this for others. I'm doing this for me. To help me clear my thoughts, remember the days when my kids are with me, capture moments I know I will forget (probably by next week because my memory is so bad). Second is, what if people DO read this? My inner thoughts will be exposed, people will realize that I'm not clever or funny or wise. God forbid people should know the real old boring, ordinary me! What if people critique me? Well, again, I'm doing this for me. And I could use some lessons on dealing with criticisms. I've always been bad about that.

So, I will blog. It won't be the most fantastic blog out there or the most interesting or the wisest. It will be mostly about my children and my husband because they are my life. And I am ok with that. I love being a mom and a wife. That is what I know, so that is what I will write about. So if anyone is reading this, thank you and welcome to my life!

So, that being said, let the fun begin!