Why?

Why do I care so much? Why do I leave my heart open for being broken and hurt? I used to be like that in High School and the early years of marriage. Then I started closing my heart. It was easier than going through that pain. For a long time I left my heart closed and distanced myself from people. That really is no way to live. So I opened my heart again. Why? It hurts so much.

But why do I care? Why do I care if people criticize the way I mother, the way I keep house? Well, mostly I don't. It is what it is. I used to care what everyone thought of me. Especially certain people. Like my big brother. What little sister doesn't care what her big brother thinks? But I got over that. I mean, I still appreciate his opinion but it doesn't make or break my world. And the weird thing is, when I stopped caring, he starting having a good opinion of me. I just thought that was kind of weird. Whatever.

But there is one person whose opinion *does* still seem to make or break my world. And, no, it is not hubby's. I know he loves me for who I am and that I do the best I can. No, it is my mother's. Why should I care? She's never been in my position before. She had seven kids but they were all spread out. She never had six under six. She never had 12. She doesn't really know what my life is like. She gets glimpses when she comes to visit, but that's not the same. For one thing, our routine is all messed whenever we have company. This is not how life is day to day.

Why should I care if she compares me to my sister who happens to be a perfect mother, has a perfect house, perfect children. I love my sister very much and I've come to grips with the fact that I am not ever going to be her and cannot physically or mentally live up to her standards. And she doesn't expect me to. But mom seems to.

Why can't I be more like my other sister who has the self-confidence to not give a flying fig newton what people think of her mothering skills. She's happy with who is she is and what she is doing.

Why, why, why? Why do I care? I don't know why but I do. And it hurts. A lot.